In the spirit of people thinking that wiping ones arse is awkward, I have decided to write something which could actually be seen as an “Awkward Moment”.
I can tell you now, that the following is NOT awkward:
- Getting home from school and finding a vehicle parked in your driveway: Unless you were caught masturbating in your car;
- Being late for a dentist appointment: Unless you’re caught you masturbating in the dentist chair
- Your battery dying : unless it’s your battery dying from all the masturbation you haven’t been doing …
As you can see, masturbation plays quite a big role in the awkwardness that is life, but I want to say that:
Awkward is:
John was getting back home from school the one day and found a vehicle parked in his parents’ driveway… I don’t want mention any names, but let’s just say that they have an uncle in the business. Some guy named “Josh”.
As he was walking into his parents’ house, he noticed that his mother’s car was parked in the garage and thought to himself: “Oh, she must have taken the day off from work to congratulate me on my Math exam I just wrote” .John was walking into the kitchen which led from the garage, hoping for something to eat… But, what he got was a grim reminder of just what awkward really means…
Walking through the kitchen he couldn’t help but notice that the only activities in the house were from the people from the furniture company screaming obscenities at one another. All that could be done at this point was pretending to move some other furniture and hollering a polite “Hello”.
But then, as he walked into the hall, he realized that everything wasn’t quite right. His mother’s silence during this time of entering the house was deafening. And he would soon find out why…
The scattered drawers was more than any human could handle. At this point, John knew he was fucked.
As John was careening into the hall, he immediately realized that the Gentleman’s Magazines which he was cleverly hiding for his friend at the back of his drawers could not be hidden anymore. The packs of Marlboros he was stacking alongside the Gentleman’s Magazines were not really in his mind at that moment.
So there John was... he knew he was fucked. Everything that happened from there on would not matter. This was now what it all came down to. John, Porno Magazines and cigarettes…John was, walking down the passage fully expecting his mother to cry out in shame at any moment. He was finding this eerily quiet. Surely the pornography scandal could not be ignored.
John didn’t waste much time in getting to his bedroom as soon as possible. As he walked into his bedroom though, his fears were confirmed… The desk was gone. The dream was gone and the drawers still down the hall. This was a disaster!!! But after what felt like forever, nothing happened…
Could it REALLY be that John’s mother was out and did not notice his friend’s Hustlers he was stashing? … FUCK YEAH!! HAPPY DAYS!!! It was right there that John did a funny dance. Like a freedom dance. But his victory was short lived…
Whilst doing his retarded victory dance, he realized what he knew back when he first walked into the house. His mother was at home, saw the cigarettes and pornography as the furniture lads were offloading and replacing his old desk and drawers. This was confirmed as his mother came running and screaming into his bedroom, (Hustlers under her arm, explaining how perverted John is). She wasted no time in flipping over to the centre spread and asking him: “What the fuck are you doing?!?! Look at THIS?!”
Luckily John wasn’t the sarcastic type so he decided not to answer with: “Pussy, what else?”.(He had learned not to cross his mom from the incident of 1994.*swearing at Mortal Kombat 2 whilst being hit with a cloth… and laughing… and then being slapped*)
At this point, John was embarrassed as fuck. Explaining cigarettes was one thing, but explaining a half-working centrefold was another thing. When it finally came to explaining, there was nothing else to do but accept the fact that he was addicted to cigarettes, will quit ASAP and stop stashing pornography for his friend…
You would have thought that this was where it ended… usually it would have ended here, except John being John, there was still another surprize lined up for him…
As his mother was busy causing the most Awkward Moment ever known to mankind, John actually came to realize why he was feeling that fucking awkward… he had forgotten about the fact that his Gran was visiting his mother all the way from Bloemefontein… she never joined John’s mother in supporting her disgust at John and his filthy, smoke filled pornographic dreams…
However,she did notice it at the dinner table that night when John’s dad was finding the whole incident hilarious, his mom was screaming black murder and his gran… well; his gran had fuck all to say. But she knew… oh yes, she knew what happened. And let me tell you… THAT WAS AWKWARD
***
