Friday, November 25, 2011

When Free Writing becomes Art



In celebration of ‘Lil Wayne coming to South Africa, I’ve decided to write a song which I’m hoping he will be performing at his shows from now on.
Compared to the crap he “sings”, I think these lyrics are very a deep, thought provoking and meaningful.
Please note: I have based the lyrics of this song on objects I can currently see around in my office at the moment.
Disclaimer: This is the WORST thing I have ever written. As in 5 Minutes bad
Cash, Money, Whores, Guns and Offices
1st Verse
Tables and chairs, don’t you stare
Got a dick as huge as a pen, paperweight
The bitches be hating my whiteboard cleaner
But them bitches never know the size of my weiner
Papers, papers, money so fly it’s A4 shit
Chorus:
Money Cash Money Guns
* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*

2nd Verse:
Lunchbox money-hating, grew up on the streets
I ain’t let them motherfuckers see them tweets
Shake and bake, Lead solution
My voice sounds like a block of ablution
Stapler, I’m an ear raper
Chorus:
Money Cash Money Guns
* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*

3rd Verse
My business cards are money, suck on that honey
Shit be fly like a paper folder, eraser
I mark my pussy with a “controlled” stamp,
My calendar, shit’s made out of lavender
Telephone a whore, grab the wallet
I suck so bad I’m like a permanent marker
Chorus: (x3)
Money Cash Money Guns
* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*

***
I told you it was bad… but I’m sure ‘Lil Wayne will think this is a masterpiece.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mustaches! Marvelous, Manly Mustaches!!!


It’s that time of the year again where men get to look like sex offenders and not be judged and ugly guys have a chance to get laid. That’s right folks, its Movember.
In the spirit of Movember, I have decided to take a look at mustaches through the course of Pop-culture as well as a few historical figures.
Here follows my list (in no particular order) of 30 of the most famous mustaches ever. Yes, 30, one for every day of the month.
1.       Ron Burgundy
      (As seen in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)



If you don’t know who he is, then you’re failing at life. His grin personifies everything that is great about sporting that awesome mustache.

2.       Pieter de Villiers
      (As seen on rugby fields... or at the unemployment office)


No list of mustaches would be complete without him.

3.       Nigel Mansell (1992 F1 Champion)



One of the great F1 drivers. And he has gone on record that he couldn’t have done it without the help of his mustache.

4.       Apollo Creed
      (As seen in Rocky 1, 2, 3 & 4)



Seen here giving his approval to facial hair.

5.       The Beatles
      (Do I really need to mention who they are?)



John Lennon does look a bit like the tannies found selling pannekoek at church bazaars. (Bless his soul)

6.       Borat
      (As seen in, well, Borat)


Wearing an original Mugato.

7.       White Goodman
      (As seen in Dodgeball)



He knows you, you know you, and he knows you know that he knows you

8.       Don Vito Corleone
      (As seen The Godfather Part 1)


He’s begging you insult his mustache…

9.       Hulk Hogan
(As seen on WWE and some movie about a fucking nanny)



If it were not for his tear-filled eyes and his sperm bandana, this would be a badass photo

10.   Adolf Hitler
(As seen on the History Channel)


“can I haz Europe?”

11.   Doctor John A. Zoidberg
(As seen in Futurama)



Technically not a stache, but I’d like to think it is. None of the main characters in Futurama has a mustache which I find a fishy… fishy?! Get it? No?! Oh ok then, moving on…
  
12.   Clive Rice
(Been known to have vast knowledge on any subject in South Africa. He is kind of like the Yoda of the Southern Hemisphere)



Seen here being all wise-like and shit and shit…

13.   Brian Fantana
(As seen in Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy).



Been known to make bullshit statistics sound valid.



14.   Salvador Dali
(Famous Surrealistic Artist, lover of clocks)



It’s a well known fact that he also used his stache as a coat-hanger.
15.   Pedro Sánchez
(As seen in Napoleon Dynamite)


This photo was taken tight after he won the class presidency. Obviously ecstatic!!!
16.   Joseph Stalin
(Known as being an all asshole)



This is his “not giving a fuck” pose.

17.   Pringles Guy
(As seen in Fat People’s Grocery Cupboards)



It was this mustache that coined the phrase “once you pop, you can’t stop”. The phrase was later adapted by the WSAA (World Sex Addicts Association)  

18.   Merv Hughes
(As seen in sheep)



Amazing action photo of Merv about to fuck up someone’s day. Death will be begged for, but it will not come quick.

19.   Charlie Chaplin
(Wearer of hats)



Rare photo of Charlie Chaplin wearing a hat.

20.   John Cleese
(As seen in Fawlty Towers, Monty Python, anything that has been awesome, etc)



“It's not pining. It's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-PARROT”

21.   Ned Flanders
(As seen on The Simpsons)



Ned seen here motorboating a poltergeist

22.   Bill "The Butcher" Cutting
(As seen in Gangs of New York)



The butcher... The Butcher Cutting… The Butcher Cutting your soul with his moustache made out of nightmares

23.   Freddie Mercury
(Greatest front man ever. All round genius)



His body may be dead, but his moustache lives on

24.   Von Keiser
(As seen in Punch Out!!!)



Don’t let the stunned Blow-up doll expression fool you. This mustache is all business.

25.   Yosemite Sam
(As seen in Looney Tunes cartoons)



This is his happy face.

26.   Man-At-Arms
(As seen in Masters of the Universe)



The rivalry between his stache and brows was legendary.

27.   Tom Selleck
(As seen in Magnum PI)



The photographer was never seen again.

28.   Lemmy
(Frontman of Motorhead)



Because you will never be as cool as Lemmy.

29.   Ron Jeremy
(As seen in your girlfriend… probably)



You will never get as much pussy as this man right here. Take a bow.

30.   The Village People Biker
      (As seen on Big Gay Al)



Keeping straight men straight since 1970. (Ok I stole that caption, but it’s still funny).

There you go. Sorry if I missed out on someone.
Keep the faith my fellow Movember colleagues.
***