I got Love, in the Music…

Being quite a long entry, I’m not going to make things worse by writing a long intro. Please just note that these albums aren’t necessarily my personal Greatest Albums of all Time. They’re just albums that I remember that I had some fascination with and that made some sort of impact in terms of the music I still like today.

So here they are (in chronological order. 1983 – present):

1.       Queen – It’s a Kind of Magic; Greatest Hits vol. 1

Ah yes Queen. I think that even if you were born under a rock, you’ve heard of Queen.

Now let me be the first one to say, they are probably one of the greatest bands ever to grace the music industry. But, I will also admit that Queen is a band which songs we mostly know from their Greatest Hits Albums (Vol 1, 2 & 3). I mean, hands up, do you REALLY know any other Queen songs that weren’t on one of their Greatest Hits Albums?

The reason why I put 2 albums on here is because my earliest musical memories came from these two albums.

I remember very clearly that my parents had “It’s A Kind of Magic” on a cassette. The color of the cassette was white with blue writing on it. I listened to this tape SO many times. And this is the only Queen Album other than a Greatest Hits or Live Album I know from the beginning right ‘till the end. The two most overlooked Queen songs has to be on this Album (One year of love; The Prize). Most of the songs on this album were of course used in the soundtrack of The Highlander. (fucking awesome movie, I don’t care if you judge me!!!).

I don’t want to go in to great detail with Greatest Hits Vol. 1, but I remember that my parents had this LP. The one morning I put it on and when “You’re my Best Friend” came on, I didn’t know that LP’s could scratch and jump. Anyway, I got to the part “Ooo, you make me live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey…” and I’m thinking :”What the fuck is up with this guy just repeating the lyrics” “…live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey, live now honey…”. This carried on until my dad had finally had enough and explained to me that the LP was actually jumping and how to fix it when it happens again. Let’s just say that was a very confusing 30 minutes

  

2.       Chris de Burgh – Spanish Train

When you think good music; dark; intriguing; fascinating; almost gothic and even a bit scary, you won’t be thinking of the Irish man with a Lego hairstyle. I mean, this is the guy who brought us “Lady in Red” for crying out loud.

But this album has a few great songs on it. “A spaceman came travelling” for instance is about an Alien, “Lonely Sky” always made me think of birds dying in the Freezing winter and “Just another poor boy”, if I remember correctly, was about people fucking up a poor boy. Very depressing I must admit, but very good music.

The stand-out song on this album however is the title track, Spanish Train. To sum it up, it’s about a train with Spanish Ghosts/souls (fucking gibberish speaking ghosts!!! OH MY FUCK!!! HELP!!!!) and God and the Devil playing poker for souls.  As an 8 year old, this scared the piss out of me. Even as an adult, I think it would make an excellent movie or book… or something. Plus, it’s a great song.

3.       Erasure – Pop:The First 20 Hits

If you look at the album cover, it just SCREAMS all that is early 90’s cliché. “pop!” (Written in lower case) with a Splash in the background. Who still remembers those Splash stickers? And let me tell you, this album cover makes no secret of the fact that you’re about to go on a journey of corny 80’s and early 90’s synth pop… and I just love it!!!

I think the only Erasure song I knew when I bought this cassette, was Oh l’amour. But when I first stuck this in to the car’s tape deck, I was hooked. “…who needs love like that??...”. This album, although cheesy synth-pop, was a nice gateway in to the grittier (and let’s face it, better) Depeche Mode and much later, Nine Inch Nails.

And I am not ashamed to say that I still blast this on my ipod every now and then. “Blue Savanna”, “Star”, “The Circus” and of course “A Little Respect” being my favorites.

4.       Metallica – The Black Album

This is the first CD I ever bought and I think it was probably around 1993. I don’t really need to say much about this album as the success of it has been widely documented.

You have to remember, this was a time when Indecent Obsession and Roxette were to bands everyone was listening to.

I heard some of the older kids in my neighborhood talking about “Metallica Black”. I thought the band was called “Metallica Black”. So, wanting to seem cool, I asked my dad to buy me this album. I remember he came home and said: “this is all they had. It’s only Metallica but it doesn’t have an Album title though. Is it the right one?” Well I didn’t know if that was the album the older kids were talking about, but once I put this on, I was simply blown away and I really didn’t care. I remember the booklet containing only the lyrics and very dark faces of 4 ugly motherfuckers with long hair. I haven’t stopped liking this band since that day.

So what did my peers think when I told them I bought a “Metallica” album? (Plus I was drawing Def Leppard logo’s in class). Well, I was labeled a Satanist. Pffft, how the times have changed ‘eh?

5.       Nirvana – Unplugged in New York

My oh my. Again, I don’t really need to explain the pure excellence which is this album.

It was about this time (1995) that I started reading the Top 40 magazine. I bought this on a cassette in Margate whilst on holiday with my parents and a friend of mine. When I put this in the tape deck in the car, I got a few strange looks that screamed “what the fuck is this?”

Well the times have changed. My mom and dad were moved to tears a few years ago when we watched the DVD.

6.       Marilyn Manson – Portrait of an American Family

It was 1997 in std. 6 when I first heard the name Marilyn Manson. I honestly thought it was a women when I heard the name (I mean, why wouldn’t I?). Luckily someone else said that before I could and when everyone laughed at the poor guy, I knew he probably wasn’t a woman.

This was probably not his best album and by far his least known album. But this was REALLY the gateway to all the other music I came to love during high school (e.g. Megadeth, Pantera, Sepultura, Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, etc.). Yes, I used to be a Metal Head.

It was just plain weird and like nothing I had ever heard before. You have to remember that these days, Marilyn Manson is something of the past, but back then, he was really the guy who set the boundaries. And being an impressionable 14 year old, I was taken in. This wasn’t anything like what we had listened to only year before in primary school. Weird Album cover, Satanic looking drag queen type guys in the booklet and strange to just plain nonsensical lyrics (e.g. “My Monkey”). Throw in some samples of children, TV shows, Film Quotes, etc that plays in the background, you have a VERY creepy album.

Looking back now, I’ve toned down my musical taste quite a bit. In fact, I don’t even think I have any Marilyn Manson songs on my ipod (or Pantera or Sepultura for that matter). But, I can see why young teens were so drawn in by this scene.

7.       Nine Inch Nails – The Downward Spiral

This is purely a classic album. I bought this again the other day. Industrial Heaven. This album confirms that Trent Reznor is a genius (confirmed by his Oscar win for best score for “The Social Network”.

It starts with “Mr. Self Destruct” and ends with “Hurt” (which was NOT written by Johnny Cash FOR THE LAST TIME). One of the best songs of the 90’s is also on here: “Closer”. I think “Piggy” and “Big Man with a Gun” are the only two songs I don’t like on here.

The Title Track by the way sounds like something out of a Horror Movie montage.

8.       Global Underground 019: John Digweed

The reason I included this on this list, is because it’s the very first Dance/House/Electronic Album that I ever bought.

I first heard the name John Digweed on the movie “Groove”. You have to remember that this was about 2000/2001, when I first started really listening to electronic music. I don’t think this was a very good buy for my first House Album because I was expecting “hands-in-the-air-trance” that you got on the “ESP” albums of the time. What I got instead was a very deep Progressive house Album which I found VERY hard to listen to.

I must say though, since then, I think I have grown up in terms of Dance Music and this is now probably one of my favorite House Albums. This is also the reason why I think EVERYTHING Global Underground touches, turns to gold. (Well except for the Layo & Bushwacka mix. That was fucking dreadful).  

9.       Nubreed: Sultan

Plain and simple, this is the album that made me get into Production and is one of the reasons why I have become so passionate about House/Trance/etc/etc the last few years.

From start to finish, this album is just fantastic. If it is your scene, get this album. Get it NOW.  

****

And there you have it. I think this is by far one of my longest entries since I started blogging. I hope it was interesting enough to get you to this point.

Not a Food Blog

When I first found out I was going to be employed as a chef, I fully expected chilled out days, cooking myself into getting laid and working my magic with knifes. I mean what was not to like?

Before I went to Scotland in 2002, I never really watched any Food Channels. I had no interest whatsoever in going into the catering industry. For me, going to the UK was just going to be 2 years of getting pissed and occasionally doing some loose-end jobs to finance my yet under developed drinking habit. I was going to be employed as a waiter but then I asked a friend who was already working there if he couldn’t get me in somewhere else. I managed to get in to the kitchen thinking to myself what poor bastards my friends were for taking bar/waiter jobs. I had it made… I soon realized that I made a huge error of judgment…

1.       Sandwiches

Working in a massive hotel with guests passing through the whole day and night, requires shit loads of sandwiches. I’ve had mornings where I’ve had to make 400 to 500 sandwiches. If you visited this Hotel in early 2002, chances are that you probably got VERY good value for your money when buying a sandwich.

Eat your heart out The Shining

To me fish was fish and ham was ham. Unfortunately this is not the case (as we all obviously know). So let’s just say that when I ran out of cheap, canned tuna, I substituted the tuna for fresh salmon. Ran out of ham? Fuck it. Use Parma Ham.  

I’m sure none of the guests minded though.

2.       Hours

Let me say this right off the bat: I will never complain about my work hours again.

Work days there sometimes lasted from 05:00 – 00:00. I mean sure this wasn’t always the case, but it happened. When the whole world starts getting ready for the weekend, chefs start feeling an urge to commit suicide. The day you find it absolutely hilarious that someone spills a pot of BOILING lentil soup on themselves, you KNOW you’re too tired.

3.       Being called a cunt numerous times a day

I will never forget this for as long as I live. You see we were very understaffed, so they stuck my untrained ass into the veg corner. Except for the obvious, one of the responsibilities was also to make all soups. So when I saw “Orange and Carrot” soup on the menu, it sounded simple enough. Orange juice and carrots thickened with some cornflower. Right before service, I tasted it and it TASTED FUCKING HORRIBLE. But I thought to myself: “hey, these bastards eat black pudding, haggis and all kinds of other shit, so who am I to judge?”

Cutting a long story short, after the 200^th portion of this orangey, carroty abortion was sent back, I was less than popular. Being called a cunt and everything else by all the chefs as well as the dining room manager in front of the waiting staff, is not fun. The hate that I saw in everyone’s eyes is beyond what words can describe. I was only 18 for God’s sake!!! Let me just say, I have never met a chef who is not homicidal.

Actual Customer Reactions

Anywho, I didn’t cry that night. That was reserved for…

4.       Nights it all falls apart

Gary Busey

      One of the most important things about being a chef is probably prep. The way it worked was we got the number of guests expected to dine in the dining room. So it goes without saying that you obviously did not want to under prepare, but also not over prepare.

If it was a quiet day, you could get your prep done in the morning and for a sleep until about 5 in the afternoon when it was time to get everything ready for service. You see, days consisted of working and evenings partying. You had to catch all the sleep you could get.

So when I got back from my afternoon nap and saw everyone in the kitchen looked as pale as ghosts, I knew something was up. You see, in the time that I took my nap, 3 fucking busloads of German Tourists arrived unannounced. So instead of the expected 100 people, there were 400 or so.

*sigh* I wish

Let me tell you, that night was something out of a Gary Busey sex dream. To cut a long story short, I ran out of food 60mins into the service. Having so little experience, I couldn’t get myself back up and running. I think that was the closest I’ve been to a nervous breakdown. The guys took pity on me and sent me home to get some rest (go to the bar and get pissed).

Hands down, the worst night of my life.

5.       Dickshit Customers.

Telling customers to get fucked started becoming 2^nd nature to me. I don’t want to go into the whole. We had a book with Customer Feedback Forms in the staff smoking room. The one read something like: “some of the chefs’ language is unacceptable especially with children around”.

When that comment was read out loud, everyone present just went “SHHHHHAAAAAAUNNN”.

I was never quite sure as to why I didn’t even get as much a warning for this or any of my other spontaneous outbursts. I guess they were probably just glad they didn’t hire me as a waiter.  

***

There are still plenty more stories to tell, but I think this will do for now.

I guess some of you might be wondering how the fuck I managed to stay employed. Well, I will be quite honest here. I managed to learn and improve. I actually got very good. In 2003 I ran my own kitchen and regularly received praises. I’m not and will probably never be a Michelin starred chef, but I still rock.

And if the above paragraph sounds like me sucking my own dick, you’re absolutely correct. This is my blog after all.

PS: I’m not chef anymore by the way!!

Music… Or So They Say

Before you read this, please take note that I am a music snob. I do believe that my range of music that I listen to and the amount of music I’ve listened to over the years, qualifies me to write this.

Once one has heard Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin or any other decent band from music’s rich history, one can maybe begin to understand why I believe the following is everything that’s wrong with music (for this week at least).

Please also note that I am not taking a dig at people who like this music. To each his own I say.

So in my humble (yet very correct and wildly intelligent) opinion, here are some the things that has me turning off my radio whenever it comes on.

1.       Liquideep – Alone

Can you HONESTLY say this is a good song? Fairytale wasn’t that bad actually. But this song sounds like the soundtrack for the suicidal. I also think it’s wrong to mock single people. Yes, I know it’s about how you DON’T have to be alone, but I think this song has cleverly hidden subliminal messages. Much like Ozzy Osbourne with Suicide Solution* or Judas Priest with Better by you, Better than me *. The phrase being repeated here is “ALONE ALONE ALONE alone alone alone alone….” And let’s be honest, the guy isn’t singing the song, he’s CRYING the song. This song is enough to push anyone with a death wish right over the edge. Bring on the Prozac!!!

* Americans overreacting… again

2.       Jax Panik! – Dinosaur

First let me just say that I have an over-all problem with pussy music thinking its Rock n Roll.

“I’m a rockstar baby I’m a rockstar”. PLEASE tell me HOW are you a rockstar? Do you know the definition of Rock music? If you haven’t, I can tell you with confidence that your music IS NOT Rock music.

Another thing that irritates me about this song is that it sounds like whatever sound effects. It sounds like someone left a child with a laptop, cheap entry range DAW* and a MIDI controller with pre-installed animal sounds.

I’m sorry, but this song just screams “I’m trying to be so witty and silly”. But actually, it just comes across as pretentious.

3.       Willow Smith – Whip my Hair

OH my good blazing shiny polished fuck.

The emotions and changes that occur in my body when I hear this abortion of a fucking retarded piece of crap, includes the following: *

-          An overwhelming feeling of nausea fills every pore of my body.

-          An extreme buildup of pressure in the area of the anus

-          Feelings of rage. Feelings of rage so intense that the Medical Community is yet to find an answer or explanation to this phenomenon.

-          Homicidal

-          Deeply saddened – sad to the point of extreme depression. A depression that can’t even be brought up by listening to “Alone”.

-          An urge to scream. Just fucking scream.

*Not limited to

4.       Lil’ Wayne – (Too many to list here)

He sounds like a fucking mosquito and I’m sure he suffers from some sort of mental illness. I mean look at this fucking idiot:

And when he screams, he sounds like he is either:

a)      Being molested by a horse

b)      Being bitten by a snake

c)       Having a mental breakdown

d)      Having incontrollable bowl syndrome

Honorable Mentions:

-          Rihanna – Only Girl (Even if you were the only girl in the world, I would still much rather fuck a couch. Well, maybe not. Scratch that. Still a horrible song though)

-          Jack Parrow – Cooler as Ek (this was fun the first 3 or 4 time I heard it. Getting very old and if you’re really honest with yourself, it’s really not THAT great)

And there you have it. Please note that this is my opinion and at the end of the day it’s just an opinion. I’m sure everyone I mentioned on this list is exceptional artists in their own right. (Well except for maybe Lil’ Wayne and Willow Smith). And I honestly do wish everyone a great career. Whatever keeps your fans happy and puts bread on the table. Just don’t expect any love from me.

Having been on more or less 40 different flights in my life, I’ve been making observations on airports for quite a while now.

So this past Sunday on my way back from Durbs to Johannesburg, I started thinking of all the different types of people I’ve seen at airports in my life. Sure you get us. You and me. The normal, everyday and even mundane people. But then there is also the opposite side of the coin. People not like you and me, but people like:

1.       The Gesturing Douchebag

Now I know at airports there will always be the chance of overbooked flights, system glitches, bad weather etc. And yes I know these things irritate the living piss out of all of us. But unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world.

But the Gesturing Douchebag is one who likes to show his dismay by the following:

-          Throwing hands in the air like a monkey on heat

-          Shaking of the head with eyes pointed to the upper left/right and the mouth pulled into the unmistakable shape of an asshole.

-          Looking at his/her watch every 4 seconds.

-          Repeat cycle.

The most important characteristic of this subject however is the fact that he/she will not say anything. They will just stand there trying their best to look irritated (and important) as fuck.

2.       The Pretentious Flight Veteran

“I can remember when I flew to Mozambique. I had such a massive hangover.”

“Oh my and don’t even get me started on Virgin Atlantic’s service”

“Of all the airports, the best one I have been to is George… Nice and small. ZERO hassle”

“If I had my way, I would never use Air Transport. I HATE IT!!!”

If you have ever heard those or similar things then you have met the Pretentious Flight Veteran. Now please, before you get too enraged, let me just continue. Everyone who has flown somewhere has a story to tell. Ridiculously long stop-overs, shitty service, mile-high conquests, etc. But the veteran likes to tell their tales as a way of letting you know exactly just how much of a jet-setter they are.

Hands up: Ever been at an airport and all of a sudden, you hear a massive deflating sound just behind you or next to you? You turn around and then you lay eyes upon it. It wasn’t the Hindenburg with a puncture; it is in fact the Air Travel Veteran….

Him: *dejected look on his face. The face of a person whose dog family just committed mass suicide*:“pfffffffffft… same ‘ol shit ‘eh?”

You: “How do you mean?”

Him: “Another Airport. I’m so tired of this shit. SA has a lot to learn from the likes of Hong Kong. Talk about efficiency. WOW”.

You: “Ya tell me about it. I remember when I travelled to Spain from Glasgow. Quick and easy check-in.”

Him: “Exactly. But then I must say that my last flight to Cape Town wasn’t that bad. Don’t you just hate the flight time to Cape Town by the way? It’s too short to feel long, but too long to feel short….”

You: “That’s why I prefer to travel BA to Cape Town. At Least then you get free drinks. Plus the service is fantastic”

And that is how it carries on. The point I’m trying to make is that all of us fall under the Veteran category. When someone else (even if it is someone you know) talks about flight experiences and destinations, you will always counter immediately with one of your own experiences. You will never ask the other person to elaborate on their story. And this works both ways. As soon as you countered with your experience, the other person will then immediately reply with another flight experience. You can also be sure that you would have heard a friend’s travelling stories more than once. And I’m as guilty as sin here. I think I’ve told my return from London story when I was as sick as a dog about 100000 times.

If you don’t believe you fall under the above, please ask yourself the following:

-          On you last 5 flights, did you insist on an aisle seat?

-          When the plane takes its run-up and during departure, do you try and look as disinterested as possible? (e.g. pretending to want to sleep, paging through a magazine, etc.)

  

Now if you answered yes to any of these, then welcome to the club of Pretentious Flight Veterans. In fact, when was the last time you listened to Safety Instructions? I will be very honest here. In my effort of acting like “I’ve done this a million times”, I can’t even remember what the safety instructions on a plane are anymore. If a plane goes down, I’m pretty much fucked. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. We all do it.

You of course get the person who will shake his head and start to laugh whilst proclaiming: “I’ve heard these instructions a million times before. Haha”

3.       Wise-cracking Flight Attendants

Thanks for flying Kulula

You know them. They sound like SABC news reporters when they speak.

“Please not, this is a non-smoking flight. Anyone caught smoking, will be asked to leave the aircraft immediately”

“When you finished screaming, place the oxygen mask over your face” (well what do you know, I did pick up on some safety instructions after all)

“We would like to thank you for letting us take you for a ride”

I can honestly say, I don’t find these funny at all. I don’t even have a wee chuckle to myself. No friends, this is weak fucking comedy I’m afraid.

4.       People Clapping when the plane has landed

Clapping? Really? How did you see this flight ending? When you had an operation, do you applaud the Surgeon? When you get to the shop safely do you sodomize your car?

I think you get the idea…

5.       The Chatter-box

Listen, when I put on my ipod’s headphones, it PROBALY means I do not want to speak to you. EVER.

6.       The Sunglass wearing Twat

Ok I will admit. You find these retards everywhere, but I don’t want to devote a whole article on them.

To people wearing sunglasses in-doors: You are the scabs on the rotting foot of all humanity. Every Time I see you, an uncontrollable urge to vomit possesses me. This ungodly hatred is something I only felt when the Vodacom animated meerkat ads were still on TV. We all hate you. You look ridiculous.

So unless your name is Stevie Wonder or Cyclops, give it a rest.