Mustaches! Marvelous, Manly Mustaches!!!

It’s that time of the year again where men get to look like sex offenders and not be judged and ugly guys have a chance to get laid. That’s right folks, its Movember.

In the spirit of Movember, I have decided to take a look at mustaches through the course of Pop-culture as well as a few historical figures.

Here follows my list (in no particular order) of 30 of the most famous mustaches ever. Yes, 30, one for every day of the month.

1.       Ron Burgundy

      (As seen in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)

If you don’t know who he is, then you’re failing at life. His grin personifies everything that is great about sporting that awesome mustache.

2.       Pieter de Villiers

      (As seen on rugby fields... or at the unemployment office)

No list of mustaches would be complete without him.

3.       Nigel Mansell (1992 F1 Champion)

One of the great F1 drivers. And he has gone on record that he couldn’t have done it without the help of his mustache.

4.       Apollo Creed

      (As seen in Rocky 1, 2, 3 & 4)

Seen here giving his approval to facial hair.

5.       The Beatles

      (Do I really need to mention who they are?)

John Lennon does look a bit like the tannies found selling pannekoek at church bazaars. (Bless his soul)

6.       Borat

      (As seen in, well, Borat)

Wearing an original Mugato.

7.       White Goodman

      (As seen in Dodgeball)

He knows you, you know you, and he knows you know that he knows you

8.       Don Vito Corleone

      (As seen The Godfather Part 1)

He’s begging you insult his mustache…

9.       Hulk Hogan

(As seen on WWE and some movie about a fucking nanny)

If it were not for his tear-filled eyes and his sperm bandana, this would be a badass photo

10.   Adolf Hitler

(As seen on the History Channel)

“can I haz Europe?”

11.   Doctor John A. Zoidberg

(As seen in Futurama)

Technically not a stache, but I’d like to think it is. None of the main characters in Futurama has a mustache which I find a fishy… fishy?! Get it? No?! Oh ok then, moving on…

  

12.   Clive Rice

(Been known to have vast knowledge on any subject in South Africa. He is kind of like the Yoda of the Southern Hemisphere)

Seen here being all wise-like and shit and shit…

13.   Brian Fantana

(As seen in Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy).

Been known to make bullshit statistics sound valid.

14.   Salvador Dali

(Famous Surrealistic Artist, lover of clocks)

It’s a well known fact that he also used his stache as a coat-hanger.

15.   Pedro Sánchez

(As seen in Napoleon Dynamite)

This photo was taken tight after he won the class presidency. Obviously ecstatic!!!

16.   Joseph Stalin

(Known as being an all asshole)

This is his “not giving a fuck” pose.

17.   Pringles Guy

(As seen in Fat People’s Grocery Cupboards)

It was this mustache that coined the phrase “once you pop, you can’t stop”. The phrase was later adapted by the WSAA (World Sex Addicts Association)  

18.   Merv Hughes

(As seen in sheep)

Amazing action photo of Merv about to fuck up someone’s day. Death will be begged for, but it will not come quick.

19.   Charlie Chaplin

(Wearer of hats)

Rare photo of Charlie Chaplin wearing a hat.

20.   John Cleese

(As seen in Fawlty Towers, Monty Python, anything that has been awesome, etc)

“It's not pining. It's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-PARROT”

21.   Ned Flanders

(As seen on The Simpsons)

Ned seen here motorboating a poltergeist

22.   Bill "The Butcher" Cutting

(As seen in Gangs of New York)

The butcher... The Butcher Cutting… The Butcher Cutting your soul with his moustache made out of nightmares

23.   Freddie Mercury

(Greatest front man ever. All round genius)

His body may be dead, but his moustache lives on

24.   Von Keiser

(As seen in Punch Out!!!)

Don’t let the stunned Blow-up doll expression fool you. This mustache is all business.

25.   Yosemite Sam

(As seen in Looney Tunes cartoons)

This is his happy face.

26.   Man-At-Arms

(As seen in Masters of the Universe)

The rivalry between his stache and brows was legendary.

27.   Tom Selleck

(As seen in Magnum PI)

The photographer was never seen again.

28.   Lemmy

(Frontman of Motorhead)

Because you will never be as cool as Lemmy.

29.   Ron Jeremy

(As seen in your girlfriend… probably)

You will never get as much pussy as this man right here. Take a bow.

30.   The Village People Biker

      (As seen on Big Gay Al)

Keeping straight men straight since 1970. (Ok I stole that caption, but it’s still funny).

There you go. Sorry if I missed out on someone.

Keep the faith my fellow Movember colleagues.

***

Battle of the Super Villains: Vol. 1

Yesterday I asked a rhetorical question* on Twitter: Who is more evil? Is it Skeletor (from He-Man) or Gargamel (from the Smurfs)?

* I assumed that it was seen as a rhetorical question as I did not get ONE single reply

In the interest of trying to get this burning issue laid to rest, I’ve decided to carry out a detailed case study on these two important figures in Pop Culture and how they measure up against each other. This article contains a few categories and comparisons in each of these categories. Each of these categories can be seen as rounds where a winner will be declared after each round.

I am going to try and be as impartial as possible here and try and base my findings in the context of the cartoon each of them appears in.  

1.       Famous for:

Skeletor

Skeletor first made his appearance in the 1980’s as the main villain in The Masters of the Universe, or more affectionately known to us 80’s kids simply as “He-Man”. In a nutshell, if you grew up in the 80’s, you knew of He-Man. If you knew of He-Man, you knew of Skeletor. If you grew up in the 80’s and did NOT know of He-Man, your parents were probably prudes. Who remembers the whole “He-Man is Satanic” thing back then?

Gargamel

Ok I know that Gargamel made his first appearance in comic books in the 50’s or something, but let’s be honest. We all got to know him in the 80’s television series where he was the sworn enemy of the Smurfs. I think even prudish parents allowed their kids to watch this show.

Winner:

Ive decided to hand this one to Skeletor for the sole purpose of Masters of the Universe being more bad-ass that The Smurfs.

2.       Appearance

Skeletor

Skeletor is purple, super muscular and is in essence a talking skull.

Gargamel

He kinda looks like the crazy man who one can usually find with either:

a.       Owning shit-loads of cats

b.      Owning shit-loads of pigeons

He sports a set of rotting teeth, has a worn coat and is bald.

Winner:

I’m not saying Gargamel does not look evil, but what counts against him is the fact that his look also screams “Rapist!!!”

But to be fair to Gargamel, he never really stood a chance here. I mean, A TALKING FUCKING SKULL!!!!

3.       Success against Enemies

Skeletor:

Skeletor’s main objective was to enter Castle Gray Skull and learn all the secrets of the universe. As we all know he never managed to do that and always failed laughably. Or did he?

After some research, I’ve found that in the very early days, Skeletor frequently managed to gain access to the Castle. And in the cult 1987 live adaption of Masters of the Universe (which I still find an awesome movie), he managed to not only gain access to the Castle, but also imprison the Sorceress.  

In both these scenarios he came pretty close but was ultimately defeated by He-Man. But I still believe it has to be seen as some measure of success. You see for the unfortunate villains in entertainment, especially in cartoons, the decks are always stacked pretty much against them from ever achieving something meaningful.

Gargamel:

Probably the closest he has been to success, was creating Smurfette. Yes that’s right! See, for those who didn’t know, Gargamel created Smurfette  to cause jealousy amongst the Smurf colony which he hoped would ultimetly cause their fall. Unfortunalty (for him and probably for her too) his plan back-fired and she became one of them.

Winner:

Draw

“WAIT!!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?!” you may be screaming. The reason I’ve put this down to a draw is due to the fact that Gargamel was but ONE man versus 100’s of Smurfs. Yes, I know they were small, but Gargamel is exactly Mr. Olympia. I believe that if Gargamel had some allies such as these fuckers he would have had a lot more success:

4.       Strengths

Skeletor

-          Skilled Sword’s Man

-          Shoots Lazers from his hands

-          Muscular as fuck

-          Can kill you with his mind

Gargamel:

-          Great potion Maker

-          Life creator

Winner:

Gargamel’s strength of being able to create life (See Creation of Smurfette), should have served him FAR better. With that ability, you can create armies and armies of undead Smurf-hating Zombies, but all he did, was create Smurfette. So I’m sorry Gargamel, but with great power, comes great responsibility. And in this department, you have failed.

5.       Pets

Skeletor

His pet was named “Panthor”. An evil, purple demon Panthor.

Gargamel

He also had a feline as a pet, Azrael (which is also known to be the Archangel of Death). Pretty Bad-ass.

Winner:

Gargamel

Neither one of the pets ever had any real impact on the outcomes of stories, but at least Azrael was always loyal to Gargamel even though he was sometimes treated like shit. Loyalty through thick and thin in the world of Villains is of upmost importance. Allies are few to come by.

6.       Real Live Movie Adaptions

Skeletor

He was portrayed by Frank Langella in the movie Masters of the Universe as an extremely dark, vengeful and super intelligent sorcerer.

Gargamel

In the upcoming Smurf’s movie, he will be portrayed by Hank Azaria . you might know his voice from watching from The Simpsons where he is the voice of bartender Moe Szyslak (amongst many others).

Winner

Draw.

Unfortunately I have not yet seen the Smurf movie, but I can say that it is going to take a lot of to beat Skeletor in this department.

Conclusion

So scores have been tallied and the winner with a score of 3-2 is………….. SKELETOR!!!

I probably knew that he was going to win before I even started writing this, but now there is proof. If you have different views, please share.

***

Why I Hate My Gym

I’ll be the first one admit that when it comes to going to the gym I probably won’t be the first person out of the starting blocks. But I have been going to the gym for the best part of ten years. There was a time when I actually enjoyed it. There was a time that I went 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. But that is now in the past. These days, I detest going to the gym. I hate it with such a passion.

Now people tell me it’s because of my copious amount of Grappa consumption which goes hand in hand with laziness. I disagree completely. You see, I’ve been going to this gym for little over a year now. Before I moved to Johannesburg, I was living in Vanderbijlpark and always thought the gym there was fantastic. But now, friends, I have to put up with: The worst gym in the country… Virgin Active Meyersdal!!!

After months of careful research, I can now finally reveal just why:

1.       Traffic

Living in Johannesburg one would expect some traffic everywhere you go. But let’s not kid ourselves here. Meyersdal where I live isn’t REALLY Johannesburg, is it? It shouldn’t be too busy at all.

Unfortunately the person that was left in charge of the traffic flow system in Meyersdal was high on a Mandrax, Crack and Moon Flowers when he designed it.

Meyersdal Mayor?

Let me tell you, the WORST most frustrating set of traffic lights in the Southern Hemisphere is the one on Michelle Avenue (where the KFC is on the corner). It doesn’t matter which side I come from, these fucking things are ALWAYS red. I’m actually wondering if they aren’t possessed by Demons that were put on this Earth just to test me.

HaHa!!Fuck you Shaun!!!

In a nutshell, a round trip journey which shouldn’t take me more than 10 minutes from my house, takes 40 minutes.

*Added Frustration Bonus: Whilst you’re sitting at the traffic lights, KFC sits right on the corner. I’ve more than once made a left turn towards KFC instead of the right turn to the gym.

2.       Parking

If you don’t arrive at the gym before 16:15 then you’re completely screwed in terms of parking. I’ve been to the gym so many times where I don’t even make it outside of my car. Just one look at the parking area on some days is enough to send me in to a fury. No thanks, I’d rather just go home.

3.       People

For a long time I thought I had anger issues. I get irritated by just about EVERYONE in my gym. Sometimes for no apparent reason other than a guy’s stupid fucking haircut or being busy with dumbbells I want to use.

But, then there are the bastards who LITERALLY THROW THE FUCKING WEIGHTS ON THE FLOOR WHEN THEY ARE DONE!!! And I’m not using the term “throw” here as an Exaggeration Tool. They don’t just drop the weights (which in itself is infuriating), but they actually make an effort to re-lift the weights and then throw them to the floor.

Added Frustration Bonus:  The people here refuse to replace the weights once they are done with them.

4.       My Nemesis

There is this one guy at my gym which I detest. When I look at him, feelings surface which I never thought I have. The unbelievable disdain I fell for this guy cannot be put into words.

So, you might wonder, why? What has this guy done to you? The answer to that is: NOTHING!!!

But he is always there!!! It feels as if he is following me. He is always busy with the exact same thing I want to use. He always arrives at the same time as me and leaves the same time as me. You know that awkward moment when you walk in or out of the dressing rooms at Virgin Actives when you can’t see around the corner if someone is coming in as you’re going out or vice versa? Where there is always that moment where you go right, then he/she does the same thing etc etc? Well, 90% of the time I share that awkward moment with My Nemesis. Sometimes it feels as if he is stalking me… watching me… hiding in the bushes at my house… watching me while I sleep.

Added Frustration Bonus: I bumped into this fucker at the Top Gear Festival!! Coincidence? You decide

5.       News Café

Come drink with us!!

Managed to overcome all the obstacles and actually managed to put in a decent workout. I’m feeling happy, relaxed and glad I actually went.

So how do I end up at News Café you might ask? Well, in order to get out of the gym, you LITERALLY** have to walk through News Café. Seeing the people sitting there with their drinks and judging you can get a bit too much. So FUCK THEM!!! I TOO CAN GET DRUNK AND FAT!!!

*Added Frustration Bonus: As you might have gathered, you also have to walk through News Café when you’re going in.

** Exaggeration Tool

***

My view on Veganism

It seems as if the world has been losing its fucking mind completely these days. Celebrating mediocrity like Justin Bieber, ‘lil Wayne (or any type of “hip-hop” ) or any other kak they play on the radio these days. And that’s all good and well. I mean, if it wasn’t for the 80”s and the horrible shoulder pads, perms and paper being ripped down the middle of our screens in the middle of an 80”s music videos, we would never have had anything to sing karaoke to at weddings or birthday parties.

But every now and then, a new trend farts its way along the giant and oh so susceptible nostrils of mankind. And in all honesty, this trend has had me worried for quite a while now. Just like all the other “noble” ideas in recent history, this idea is also starting off as very noble indeed. I am talking about the thing which is known as “veganism”.

Now vegetarians have been one of my culinary enemies for years. I know them vegetarians very well. I worked in a Kitchen for two years and know the ins and outs of them. But, I have given up my fight against them for most of them just hate the taste of meat. I don’t eat liver, kidneys, tripe, polony, etc etc so I will concede. I still don’t like it, but I will let it go, at least for now.

Now before I let loose a shit storm, lets first have a look at some of the most well known ideas which human kind has had which had promised so much, but at the end of day, just proved that most human beings are about as intelligent as a soggy piece of LO- GI bread.

We all hear the term “Communism” now and we immediately associate it with drunken Russians, vodka, red flags and Stalin. But, the original idea was quite noble… You see, if you weren’t born a Romanov or of any other noble heritage, you were a peasant. So came the Revolution in 1919 and wealth was to be spread to all the people. Seems pretty noble, right? Well, add crazy dictators to this mix and the whole idea goes to shit. We all know how Communism ended up. The biggest social experiment in World History ended in massive failure. Some of the former Eastern bloc countries are still picking up the pieces.

 

This brings me to Nazisism. Now Hitler was a self centered, racist, vegetarian asshole. So I’ll be the first one to say, the idea of Fascism was probably not a very noble idea when it was conceived, but the German people bought into this idea at first. Being humiliated and left in MASSIVE amounts of debt after WW1, Hitler rose up and promised to bring Germany back on to the world stage where it belongs. If you were an ordinary citizen and you hear that, you would also follow him. If only the people knew what they were voting for. We all know how this ended. One of history’s most barbaric regimes which left the World devastated.

Comparing Veganism to any of the above must sound completely retarded at first, but read on.

So, Vegans, we’re not eating any animal products are we? If you think you’re saving the world one day at a time, you are unfortunately sadly mistaken. In fact, you are contributing to a disaster on the scale of the 2004 Tsunami, Vietnam and Steven Seagal’s music career.

Sorry, maybe I'm being a bit harsh on the Vegans

Lets say we all slowly but surely turn in to hippies, sorry I meant hipsters… sorry, erm, assholes… sorry again, vegans. We don’t use ANY animal products. Milk, meat, eggs, cheese and countless other things are now off limits… here is the realistic scenario.

Cows will have absolutely NO more reason for existing. We can’t eat them, we can’t use their milk. We can’t keep them around, because the now dirt poor cow farmers who has already lost everything because they have no way to support themselves or their families anymore. So I foresee staggering numbers of cows being euthanized. The screams will be over whelming. People will go mad. Cows being slaughtered for… NO FUCKING PURPOSE AT ALL.

Sheep will also be obsolete. STRICT vegans are not allowed to use wool for example. So if we all turn into Vegans, sheep will have no reason to be around. Again, 100000000’s of people will lose their jobs… their livelihood. The crying Lambs will NEVER be silenced.

"Will they Clarice?"

Chickens are just as unlucky. Want an egg? FUCK YOU!!! How’s that brand new feathered pillow working out for you? FUCK YOU!!! Countless jobs lost and countless chickens (and turkeys, ducks, etc) slaughtered for no reason. We can’t keep them around after all. They serve no purpose to society and are in fact a drain on our vegetarian resources. They would have to go.

Yeah keep laughing motherfuckers. This may be your last

 Bees have it lucky I suppose because they would have to stick around for pollination. But honey farmers unfortunately are all out of jobs now for we are not allowed to eat or use honey anymore. It is after all an animal product? So sorry bee farmers, FUCK YOU!!!

Fish will initially have it good as I’m sure they provide some purpose in ensuring the ocean’s echo system is kept on an even keel. But, in a few years, the oceans will become over populated. Now I’m no expert, but I’m SURE this can’t be good. So we will have to eventually start rounding up fish and slaughter them.

Hartebeespoort Dam Pier - 2110

In 400 years, future generations will watch programs on National Geographic where the question will be asked: “Where did it go wrong?” which translates to: “How the fuck did those assholes mange to drive so many species of animal to extinction?” The answer will be clear… it wasn’t Nazism, it wasn’t Communism, and it wasn’t Apartheid or any other failed and horrible idea.

No sir, it was Veganism. Veganism managed to fuck it all up.

This fucking guy

*****