When Free Writing becomes Art

In celebration of ‘Lil Wayne coming to South Africa, I’ve decided to write a song which I’m hoping he will be performing at his shows from now on.

Compared to the crap he “sings”, I think these lyrics are very a deep, thought provoking and meaningful.

Please note: I have based the lyrics of this song on objects I can currently see around in my office at the moment.

Disclaimer: This is the WORST thing I have ever written. As in 5 Minutes bad

Cash, Money, Whores, Guns and Offices

1^st Verse

Tables and chairs, don’t you stare

Got a dick as huge as a pen, paperweight

The bitches be hating my whiteboard cleaner

But them bitches never know the size of my weiner

Papers, papers, money so fly it’s A4 shit

Chorus:

Money Cash Money Guns

* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*

2^nd Verse:

Lunchbox money-hating, grew up on the streets

I ain’t let them motherfuckers see them tweets

Shake and bake, Lead solution

My voice sounds like a block of ablution

Stapler, I’m an ear raper

Chorus:

Money Cash Money Guns

* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*

3^rd Verse

My business cards are money, suck on that honey

Shit be fly like a paper folder, eraser

I mark my pussy with a “controlled” stamp,

My calendar, shit’s made out of lavender

Telephone a whore, grab the wallet

I suck so bad I’m like a permanent marker

Chorus: (x3)

Money Cash Money Guns

* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHH, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*

***

I told you it was bad… but I’m sure ‘Lil Wayne will think this is a masterpiece.

Mustaches! Marvelous, Manly Mustaches!!!

It’s that time of the year again where men get to look like sex offenders and not be judged and ugly guys have a chance to get laid. That’s right folks, its Movember.

In the spirit of Movember, I have decided to take a look at mustaches through the course of Pop-culture as well as a few historical figures.

Here follows my list (in no particular order) of 30 of the most famous mustaches ever. Yes, 30, one for every day of the month.

1.       Ron Burgundy

      (As seen in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)

If you don’t know who he is, then you’re failing at life. His grin personifies everything that is great about sporting that awesome mustache.

2.       Pieter de Villiers

      (As seen on rugby fields... or at the unemployment office)

No list of mustaches would be complete without him.

3.       Nigel Mansell (1992 F1 Champion)

One of the great F1 drivers. And he has gone on record that he couldn’t have done it without the help of his mustache.

4.       Apollo Creed

      (As seen in Rocky 1, 2, 3 & 4)

Seen here giving his approval to facial hair.

5.       The Beatles

      (Do I really need to mention who they are?)

John Lennon does look a bit like the tannies found selling pannekoek at church bazaars. (Bless his soul)

6.       Borat

      (As seen in, well, Borat)

Wearing an original Mugato.

7.       White Goodman

      (As seen in Dodgeball)

He knows you, you know you, and he knows you know that he knows you

8.       Don Vito Corleone

      (As seen The Godfather Part 1)

He’s begging you insult his mustache…

9.       Hulk Hogan

(As seen on WWE and some movie about a fucking nanny)

If it were not for his tear-filled eyes and his sperm bandana, this would be a badass photo

10.   Adolf Hitler

(As seen on the History Channel)

“can I haz Europe?”

11.   Doctor John A. Zoidberg

(As seen in Futurama)

Technically not a stache, but I’d like to think it is. None of the main characters in Futurama has a mustache which I find a fishy… fishy?! Get it? No?! Oh ok then, moving on…

  

12.   Clive Rice

(Been known to have vast knowledge on any subject in South Africa. He is kind of like the Yoda of the Southern Hemisphere)

Seen here being all wise-like and shit and shit…

13.   Brian Fantana

(As seen in Anchorman: Legend of Ron Burgundy).

Been known to make bullshit statistics sound valid.

14.   Salvador Dali

(Famous Surrealistic Artist, lover of clocks)

It’s a well known fact that he also used his stache as a coat-hanger.

15.   Pedro Sánchez

(As seen in Napoleon Dynamite)

This photo was taken tight after he won the class presidency. Obviously ecstatic!!!

16.   Joseph Stalin

(Known as being an all asshole)

This is his “not giving a fuck” pose.

17.   Pringles Guy

(As seen in Fat People’s Grocery Cupboards)

It was this mustache that coined the phrase “once you pop, you can’t stop”. The phrase was later adapted by the WSAA (World Sex Addicts Association)  

18.   Merv Hughes

(As seen in sheep)

Amazing action photo of Merv about to fuck up someone’s day. Death will be begged for, but it will not come quick.

19.   Charlie Chaplin

(Wearer of hats)

Rare photo of Charlie Chaplin wearing a hat.

20.   John Cleese

(As seen in Fawlty Towers, Monty Python, anything that has been awesome, etc)

“It's not pining. It's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-PARROT”

21.   Ned Flanders

(As seen on The Simpsons)

Ned seen here motorboating a poltergeist

22.   Bill "The Butcher" Cutting

(As seen in Gangs of New York)

The butcher... The Butcher Cutting… The Butcher Cutting your soul with his moustache made out of nightmares

23.   Freddie Mercury

(Greatest front man ever. All round genius)

His body may be dead, but his moustache lives on

24.   Von Keiser

(As seen in Punch Out!!!)

Don’t let the stunned Blow-up doll expression fool you. This mustache is all business.

25.   Yosemite Sam

(As seen in Looney Tunes cartoons)

This is his happy face.

26.   Man-At-Arms

(As seen in Masters of the Universe)

The rivalry between his stache and brows was legendary.

27.   Tom Selleck

(As seen in Magnum PI)

The photographer was never seen again.

28.   Lemmy

(Frontman of Motorhead)

Because you will never be as cool as Lemmy.

29.   Ron Jeremy

(As seen in your girlfriend… probably)

You will never get as much pussy as this man right here. Take a bow.

30.   The Village People Biker

      (As seen on Big Gay Al)

Keeping straight men straight since 1970. (Ok I stole that caption, but it’s still funny).

There you go. Sorry if I missed out on someone.

Keep the faith my fellow Movember colleagues.

***

Battle of the Super Villains: Vol. 1

Yesterday I asked a rhetorical question* on Twitter: Who is more evil? Is it Skeletor (from He-Man) or Gargamel (from the Smurfs)?

* I assumed that it was seen as a rhetorical question as I did not get ONE single reply

In the interest of trying to get this burning issue laid to rest, I’ve decided to carry out a detailed case study on these two important figures in Pop Culture and how they measure up against each other. This article contains a few categories and comparisons in each of these categories. Each of these categories can be seen as rounds where a winner will be declared after each round.

I am going to try and be as impartial as possible here and try and base my findings in the context of the cartoon each of them appears in.  

1.       Famous for:

Skeletor

Skeletor first made his appearance in the 1980’s as the main villain in The Masters of the Universe, or more affectionately known to us 80’s kids simply as “He-Man”. In a nutshell, if you grew up in the 80’s, you knew of He-Man. If you knew of He-Man, you knew of Skeletor. If you grew up in the 80’s and did NOT know of He-Man, your parents were probably prudes. Who remembers the whole “He-Man is Satanic” thing back then?

Gargamel

Ok I know that Gargamel made his first appearance in comic books in the 50’s or something, but let’s be honest. We all got to know him in the 80’s television series where he was the sworn enemy of the Smurfs. I think even prudish parents allowed their kids to watch this show.

Winner:

Ive decided to hand this one to Skeletor for the sole purpose of Masters of the Universe being more bad-ass that The Smurfs.

2.       Appearance

Skeletor

Skeletor is purple, super muscular and is in essence a talking skull.

Gargamel

He kinda looks like the crazy man who one can usually find with either:

a.       Owning shit-loads of cats

b.      Owning shit-loads of pigeons

He sports a set of rotting teeth, has a worn coat and is bald.

Winner:

I’m not saying Gargamel does not look evil, but what counts against him is the fact that his look also screams “Rapist!!!”

But to be fair to Gargamel, he never really stood a chance here. I mean, A TALKING FUCKING SKULL!!!!

3.       Success against Enemies

Skeletor:

Skeletor’s main objective was to enter Castle Gray Skull and learn all the secrets of the universe. As we all know he never managed to do that and always failed laughably. Or did he?

After some research, I’ve found that in the very early days, Skeletor frequently managed to gain access to the Castle. And in the cult 1987 live adaption of Masters of the Universe (which I still find an awesome movie), he managed to not only gain access to the Castle, but also imprison the Sorceress.  

In both these scenarios he came pretty close but was ultimately defeated by He-Man. But I still believe it has to be seen as some measure of success. You see for the unfortunate villains in entertainment, especially in cartoons, the decks are always stacked pretty much against them from ever achieving something meaningful.

Gargamel:

Probably the closest he has been to success, was creating Smurfette. Yes that’s right! See, for those who didn’t know, Gargamel created Smurfette  to cause jealousy amongst the Smurf colony which he hoped would ultimetly cause their fall. Unfortunalty (for him and probably for her too) his plan back-fired and she became one of them.

Winner:

Draw

“WAIT!!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?!” you may be screaming. The reason I’ve put this down to a draw is due to the fact that Gargamel was but ONE man versus 100’s of Smurfs. Yes, I know they were small, but Gargamel is exactly Mr. Olympia. I believe that if Gargamel had some allies such as these fuckers he would have had a lot more success:

4.       Strengths

Skeletor

-          Skilled Sword’s Man

-          Shoots Lazers from his hands

-          Muscular as fuck

-          Can kill you with his mind

Gargamel:

-          Great potion Maker

-          Life creator

Winner:

Gargamel’s strength of being able to create life (See Creation of Smurfette), should have served him FAR better. With that ability, you can create armies and armies of undead Smurf-hating Zombies, but all he did, was create Smurfette. So I’m sorry Gargamel, but with great power, comes great responsibility. And in this department, you have failed.

5.       Pets

Skeletor

His pet was named “Panthor”. An evil, purple demon Panthor.

Gargamel

He also had a feline as a pet, Azrael (which is also known to be the Archangel of Death). Pretty Bad-ass.

Winner:

Gargamel

Neither one of the pets ever had any real impact on the outcomes of stories, but at least Azrael was always loyal to Gargamel even though he was sometimes treated like shit. Loyalty through thick and thin in the world of Villains is of upmost importance. Allies are few to come by.

6.       Real Live Movie Adaptions

Skeletor

He was portrayed by Frank Langella in the movie Masters of the Universe as an extremely dark, vengeful and super intelligent sorcerer.

Gargamel

In the upcoming Smurf’s movie, he will be portrayed by Hank Azaria . you might know his voice from watching from The Simpsons where he is the voice of bartender Moe Szyslak (amongst many others).

Winner

Draw.

Unfortunately I have not yet seen the Smurf movie, but I can say that it is going to take a lot of to beat Skeletor in this department.

Conclusion

So scores have been tallied and the winner with a score of 3-2 is………….. SKELETOR!!!

I probably knew that he was going to win before I even started writing this, but now there is proof. If you have different views, please share.

***