Battle of the Super Villains: Vol. 1

Yesterday I asked a rhetorical question* on Twitter: Who is more evil? Is it Skeletor (from He-Man) or Gargamel (from the Smurfs)?

* I assumed that it was seen as a rhetorical question as I did not get ONE single reply

In the interest of trying to get this burning issue laid to rest, I’ve decided to carry out a detailed case study on these two important figures in Pop Culture and how they measure up against each other. This article contains a few categories and comparisons in each of these categories. Each of these categories can be seen as rounds where a winner will be declared after each round.

I am going to try and be as impartial as possible here and try and base my findings in the context of the cartoon each of them appears in.  

1.       Famous for:

Skeletor

Skeletor first made his appearance in the 1980’s as the main villain in The Masters of the Universe, or more affectionately known to us 80’s kids simply as “He-Man”. In a nutshell, if you grew up in the 80’s, you knew of He-Man. If you knew of He-Man, you knew of Skeletor. If you grew up in the 80’s and did NOT know of He-Man, your parents were probably prudes. Who remembers the whole “He-Man is Satanic” thing back then?

Gargamel

Ok I know that Gargamel made his first appearance in comic books in the 50’s or something, but let’s be honest. We all got to know him in the 80’s television series where he was the sworn enemy of the Smurfs. I think even prudish parents allowed their kids to watch this show.

Winner:

Ive decided to hand this one to Skeletor for the sole purpose of Masters of the Universe being more bad-ass that The Smurfs.

2.       Appearance

Skeletor

Skeletor is purple, super muscular and is in essence a talking skull.

Gargamel

He kinda looks like the crazy man who one can usually find with either:

a.       Owning shit-loads of cats

b.      Owning shit-loads of pigeons

He sports a set of rotting teeth, has a worn coat and is bald.

Winner:

I’m not saying Gargamel does not look evil, but what counts against him is the fact that his look also screams “Rapist!!!”

But to be fair to Gargamel, he never really stood a chance here. I mean, A TALKING FUCKING SKULL!!!!

3.       Success against Enemies

Skeletor:

Skeletor’s main objective was to enter Castle Gray Skull and learn all the secrets of the universe. As we all know he never managed to do that and always failed laughably. Or did he?

After some research, I’ve found that in the very early days, Skeletor frequently managed to gain access to the Castle. And in the cult 1987 live adaption of Masters of the Universe (which I still find an awesome movie), he managed to not only gain access to the Castle, but also imprison the Sorceress.  

In both these scenarios he came pretty close but was ultimately defeated by He-Man. But I still believe it has to be seen as some measure of success. You see for the unfortunate villains in entertainment, especially in cartoons, the decks are always stacked pretty much against them from ever achieving something meaningful.

Gargamel:

Probably the closest he has been to success, was creating Smurfette. Yes that’s right! See, for those who didn’t know, Gargamel created Smurfette  to cause jealousy amongst the Smurf colony which he hoped would ultimetly cause their fall. Unfortunalty (for him and probably for her too) his plan back-fired and she became one of them.

Winner:

Draw

“WAIT!!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?!” you may be screaming. The reason I’ve put this down to a draw is due to the fact that Gargamel was but ONE man versus 100’s of Smurfs. Yes, I know they were small, but Gargamel is exactly Mr. Olympia. I believe that if Gargamel had some allies such as these fuckers he would have had a lot more success:

4.       Strengths

Skeletor

-          Skilled Sword’s Man

-          Shoots Lazers from his hands

-          Muscular as fuck

-          Can kill you with his mind

Gargamel:

-          Great potion Maker

-          Life creator

Winner:

Gargamel’s strength of being able to create life (See Creation of Smurfette), should have served him FAR better. With that ability, you can create armies and armies of undead Smurf-hating Zombies, but all he did, was create Smurfette. So I’m sorry Gargamel, but with great power, comes great responsibility. And in this department, you have failed.

5.       Pets

Skeletor

His pet was named “Panthor”. An evil, purple demon Panthor.

Gargamel

He also had a feline as a pet, Azrael (which is also known to be the Archangel of Death). Pretty Bad-ass.

Winner:

Gargamel

Neither one of the pets ever had any real impact on the outcomes of stories, but at least Azrael was always loyal to Gargamel even though he was sometimes treated like shit. Loyalty through thick and thin in the world of Villains is of upmost importance. Allies are few to come by.

6.       Real Live Movie Adaptions

Skeletor

He was portrayed by Frank Langella in the movie Masters of the Universe as an extremely dark, vengeful and super intelligent sorcerer.

Gargamel

In the upcoming Smurf’s movie, he will be portrayed by Hank Azaria . you might know his voice from watching from The Simpsons where he is the voice of bartender Moe Szyslak (amongst many others).

Winner

Draw.

Unfortunately I have not yet seen the Smurf movie, but I can say that it is going to take a lot of to beat Skeletor in this department.

Conclusion

So scores have been tallied and the winner with a score of 3-2 is………….. SKELETOR!!!

I probably knew that he was going to win before I even started writing this, but now there is proof. If you have different views, please share.

***

Why I Hate My Gym

I’ll be the first one admit that when it comes to going to the gym I probably won’t be the first person out of the starting blocks. But I have been going to the gym for the best part of ten years. There was a time when I actually enjoyed it. There was a time that I went 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. But that is now in the past. These days, I detest going to the gym. I hate it with such a passion.

Now people tell me it’s because of my copious amount of Grappa consumption which goes hand in hand with laziness. I disagree completely. You see, I’ve been going to this gym for little over a year now. Before I moved to Johannesburg, I was living in Vanderbijlpark and always thought the gym there was fantastic. But now, friends, I have to put up with: The worst gym in the country… Virgin Active Meyersdal!!!

After months of careful research, I can now finally reveal just why:

1.       Traffic

Living in Johannesburg one would expect some traffic everywhere you go. But let’s not kid ourselves here. Meyersdal where I live isn’t REALLY Johannesburg, is it? It shouldn’t be too busy at all.

Unfortunately the person that was left in charge of the traffic flow system in Meyersdal was high on a Mandrax, Crack and Moon Flowers when he designed it.

Meyersdal Mayor?

Let me tell you, the WORST most frustrating set of traffic lights in the Southern Hemisphere is the one on Michelle Avenue (where the KFC is on the corner). It doesn’t matter which side I come from, these fucking things are ALWAYS red. I’m actually wondering if they aren’t possessed by Demons that were put on this Earth just to test me.

HaHa!!Fuck you Shaun!!!

In a nutshell, a round trip journey which shouldn’t take me more than 10 minutes from my house, takes 40 minutes.

*Added Frustration Bonus: Whilst you’re sitting at the traffic lights, KFC sits right on the corner. I’ve more than once made a left turn towards KFC instead of the right turn to the gym.

2.       Parking

If you don’t arrive at the gym before 16:15 then you’re completely screwed in terms of parking. I’ve been to the gym so many times where I don’t even make it outside of my car. Just one look at the parking area on some days is enough to send me in to a fury. No thanks, I’d rather just go home.

3.       People

For a long time I thought I had anger issues. I get irritated by just about EVERYONE in my gym. Sometimes for no apparent reason other than a guy’s stupid fucking haircut or being busy with dumbbells I want to use.

But, then there are the bastards who LITERALLY THROW THE FUCKING WEIGHTS ON THE FLOOR WHEN THEY ARE DONE!!! And I’m not using the term “throw” here as an Exaggeration Tool. They don’t just drop the weights (which in itself is infuriating), but they actually make an effort to re-lift the weights and then throw them to the floor.

Added Frustration Bonus:  The people here refuse to replace the weights once they are done with them.

4.       My Nemesis

There is this one guy at my gym which I detest. When I look at him, feelings surface which I never thought I have. The unbelievable disdain I fell for this guy cannot be put into words.

So, you might wonder, why? What has this guy done to you? The answer to that is: NOTHING!!!

But he is always there!!! It feels as if he is following me. He is always busy with the exact same thing I want to use. He always arrives at the same time as me and leaves the same time as me. You know that awkward moment when you walk in or out of the dressing rooms at Virgin Actives when you can’t see around the corner if someone is coming in as you’re going out or vice versa? Where there is always that moment where you go right, then he/she does the same thing etc etc? Well, 90% of the time I share that awkward moment with My Nemesis. Sometimes it feels as if he is stalking me… watching me… hiding in the bushes at my house… watching me while I sleep.

Added Frustration Bonus: I bumped into this fucker at the Top Gear Festival!! Coincidence? You decide

5.       News Café

Come drink with us!!

Managed to overcome all the obstacles and actually managed to put in a decent workout. I’m feeling happy, relaxed and glad I actually went.

So how do I end up at News Café you might ask? Well, in order to get out of the gym, you LITERALLY** have to walk through News Café. Seeing the people sitting there with their drinks and judging you can get a bit too much. So FUCK THEM!!! I TOO CAN GET DRUNK AND FAT!!!

*Added Frustration Bonus: As you might have gathered, you also have to walk through News Café when you’re going in.

** Exaggeration Tool

***