Why I Hate My Gym

I’ll be the first one admit that when it comes to going to the gym I probably won’t be the first person out of the starting blocks. But I have been going to the gym for the best part of ten years. There was a time when I actually enjoyed it. There was a time that I went 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. But that is now in the past. These days, I detest going to the gym. I hate it with such a passion.

Now people tell me it’s because of my copious amount of Grappa consumption which goes hand in hand with laziness. I disagree completely. You see, I’ve been going to this gym for little over a year now. Before I moved to Johannesburg, I was living in Vanderbijlpark and always thought the gym there was fantastic. But now, friends, I have to put up with: The worst gym in the country… Virgin Active Meyersdal!!!

After months of careful research, I can now finally reveal just why:

1.       Traffic

Living in Johannesburg one would expect some traffic everywhere you go. But let’s not kid ourselves here. Meyersdal where I live isn’t REALLY Johannesburg, is it? It shouldn’t be too busy at all.

Unfortunately the person that was left in charge of the traffic flow system in Meyersdal was high on a Mandrax, Crack and Moon Flowers when he designed it.

Meyersdal Mayor?

Let me tell you, the WORST most frustrating set of traffic lights in the Southern Hemisphere is the one on Michelle Avenue (where the KFC is on the corner). It doesn’t matter which side I come from, these fucking things are ALWAYS red. I’m actually wondering if they aren’t possessed by Demons that were put on this Earth just to test me.

HaHa!!Fuck you Shaun!!!

In a nutshell, a round trip journey which shouldn’t take me more than 10 minutes from my house, takes 40 minutes.

*Added Frustration Bonus: Whilst you’re sitting at the traffic lights, KFC sits right on the corner. I’ve more than once made a left turn towards KFC instead of the right turn to the gym.

2.       Parking

If you don’t arrive at the gym before 16:15 then you’re completely screwed in terms of parking. I’ve been to the gym so many times where I don’t even make it outside of my car. Just one look at the parking area on some days is enough to send me in to a fury. No thanks, I’d rather just go home.

3.       People

For a long time I thought I had anger issues. I get irritated by just about EVERYONE in my gym. Sometimes for no apparent reason other than a guy’s stupid fucking haircut or being busy with dumbbells I want to use.

But, then there are the bastards who LITERALLY THROW THE FUCKING WEIGHTS ON THE FLOOR WHEN THEY ARE DONE!!! And I’m not using the term “throw” here as an Exaggeration Tool. They don’t just drop the weights (which in itself is infuriating), but they actually make an effort to re-lift the weights and then throw them to the floor.

Added Frustration Bonus:  The people here refuse to replace the weights once they are done with them.

4.       My Nemesis

There is this one guy at my gym which I detest. When I look at him, feelings surface which I never thought I have. The unbelievable disdain I fell for this guy cannot be put into words.

So, you might wonder, why? What has this guy done to you? The answer to that is: NOTHING!!!

But he is always there!!! It feels as if he is following me. He is always busy with the exact same thing I want to use. He always arrives at the same time as me and leaves the same time as me. You know that awkward moment when you walk in or out of the dressing rooms at Virgin Actives when you can’t see around the corner if someone is coming in as you’re going out or vice versa? Where there is always that moment where you go right, then he/she does the same thing etc etc? Well, 90% of the time I share that awkward moment with My Nemesis. Sometimes it feels as if he is stalking me… watching me… hiding in the bushes at my house… watching me while I sleep.

Added Frustration Bonus: I bumped into this fucker at the Top Gear Festival!! Coincidence? You decide

5.       News Café

Come drink with us!!

Managed to overcome all the obstacles and actually managed to put in a decent workout. I’m feeling happy, relaxed and glad I actually went.

So how do I end up at News Café you might ask? Well, in order to get out of the gym, you LITERALLY** have to walk through News Café. Seeing the people sitting there with their drinks and judging you can get a bit too much. So FUCK THEM!!! I TOO CAN GET DRUNK AND FAT!!!

*Added Frustration Bonus: As you might have gathered, you also have to walk through News Café when you’re going in.

** Exaggeration Tool

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