The Bravest Ninja in Cape Town

Nothing is as kak as being a ninja in an 80’s action movie, so watching American Ninja 2 the other night, I couldn’t help but be amazed at the sheer tenacity and bravery displayed by this nameless henchman. This guy should receive a reward. In the world of ninja henchmen, your life expectancy is not more than 2 minutes or a slap to the mouth.

The scene only lasts for about 3 minutes, but if you take into consideration everything that happens to this unnamed ninja, 3 minutes is more like 3 hours.

The action starts at 09:25 into this video.

The scene starts with Joe Armstrong, Toto (I’m not making that name up) and Michelle Botes escaping in a bakkie from a horde of useless ninjas. They still look relatively calm here, almost relieved. That relieve is short-lived though…

“What the fuck!?” , Michelle Botes exclaims, pointing

Standing in the middle of the road, is what their lives will be consumed with for the next 3 minutes

Very calmly starring down a car speeding full speed at him..

Joe Armstrong, not phased, returns the stare

It must be pointed out, that this is what’s facing our unnamed foe

After a perfectly timed jump onto the back

He proceeds to punch open the back window with his bare hands

Unfortunately, trying to strangle Joe Armstrong was his first mistake of the day

Here, he gets the shit bitten out of his arm by the little man, Toto

He then gets flung from the back of the truck onto the dirt road.

At this point, any normal ninja henchman would have gone “fuck it, I’m going home”. Not this one… oh my shit, not this one…

He pulls out a grappling hook (which I’m not too sure where he was hiding) and throws it with precise accuracy onto the back of the truck… and then, well then he fucking starts holding on…

… and on

The ninja, not giving a fuck, is seen here taking out civilians on motorbikes for shits and giggles. I am 100% convinced that this was planned

Here the dirt road has turned into tar. Please notice the wear and tear on this poor bastard

Oh the rascal, causing more chaos on the roads. All in a day’s work

LITERALLY a few seconds after the car spins, the ninja miraculously appears on the roof and proceeds to knock the shit out of the windscreen

Predictably, Joe slams the breaks and our hero is flung from the truck (again).

By this time, what happens next shouldn’t come as much of a shock to anyone  

The shock on Michelle’s face should say it all

It is at this point where Joe, Toto and Michelle gives up all hope and abandons ship. Who can blame them?!?!

Seen here still hanging on, about to go down with the ship that Joe, Toto and Michelle so cowardly abandoned

He’s been bitten, flung, pulled and has had cars and motorbikes thrown at him. At the end of the day, him dying in a majestic ball of fire was the only fitting end for this brave soul.

We salute you, friend

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Music Video Direction: Not For Everyone

There are few things I enjoy more than “Worst of…” lists or countdowns. So my original idea was to do a countdown of the worst music videos of all time. I realized however that this has been done a million times before, so I decided to try and make a compilation of videos that may not be as well known as the videos we see on VH1 countdowns once a month.

So here goes:

1.      Thor – Anger:

Disclaimer: MIGHT CAUSE SEIZURES!!!

The video starts off with a bearded man in a robe frantically rubbing a shining sphere.

There is also a guy in chains (we don’t know much about him, except that “Anger” is his fucking middle name bitches):

After the guy in chains, there is an explosion followed by some top notch great acting by terrified women:

He-Man and Rambo makes cameo appearances:

"Wait, this isn't Eternia!"

Rambo seen here during a "Time-out"

Then there is this guy who probably wants to rape you:

The video ends with some more seizure inducing flashing imagery with Beard Man from the beginning of the video is about to get his day fucked up by Guy In Chains/He-Man

2.      Armi & Danny - I Wanna Love You Tender

I’m ashamed to say that I found myself singing this in the car yesterday after watching it numerous times (for the purpose of this article).

Without further delay, let me introduce you to Danny:

And here’s Armi

Let’s be honest… she is adorable in a very 70’s Scandinavian way... Just like the women from ABBA were.

Dont tell me you wouldn't hit that

Interesting Fact: Armi was Miss Finland 1977. This explains her cuteness factor

And finally, the Finland Mental Hospital Cheerleading Squad:

As seen in this picture, the choreography of these mildly retarded souls is what makes this video so funny.

At 1:33, the guy doesn’t seem quite sure where to go. It’s almost as if he turns left as an afterthought. He shrugs this off with a dorky smile.

The sequence between 1:46 to 2:13 must be one of the strangest I’ve seen in music video history.

It starts with a Human Starfish:

And ends with a tall guy walking funny making a finger mustache

It finally ends with Danny and Armi getting right the hell out of there with a Car Spaceship

3.      Jan Terri – Losing You

The very first comment on YouTube (when I wrote this) was the following: “It hurts watching this vid. All i see is mullets and fat people…”

That right there pretty much sums up the video.

The 2^nd comment was the following: “Is she singing about her fridge or a dildo?”

Once you’ve watched the video and listened to the chorus (which gets repeated about a million times), you will notice immediately why this is one of the funniest comments on any YouTube video.

This is a sunlit Jan in a limo busy:

a.      reminiscing about a long lost love

b.      Displaying inner conflict of whether she’s having waffles, KFC or waffles topped with KFC.. and maple syrup… and cheese… and bacon… and cake, lots and lots of cake… and NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM…

A bit later she is seen yawning:

Enters Mullet Man:

Never one to disappoint her many "fans", she is seen here waving at them

The following scene depicts Jan and Mullet Man not giving any fucks about obeying Stop signs. They also refuse to wear crash helmets. Rules do not apply to these badass rebels

 the video ends with her flying away and doing what she didn't want to do... lose him tonight

4.      Zlad – Elektronik Supersonik

Ok ok, this is a parody so it would be stupid to make comments. I still think it’s still pretty funny.

Lady Gaga is seen here in her first video. (Things haven’t changed much over the years)

I would suggest reading the lyrics first:

Hey baby wake up from your a sleep
We have arrived onto the future
And the whole world is become....

Elektronik, Supersonik,
Supersonik, Elektronik,

Hey baby ride with me away,
We doesn't have much time,
My blue jeans is tight,
So onto my love rocket, climb,
Inside tank of fuel is not fuel, but love,
Above us, there is nothing above,
but the stars, above

All systems gone!
Prepare for downcount!

5....4....3....1! Off blast!

Fly away, my space rocket,
You no need put money in my pocket
The door is closed I just lock it,
(Ha) I put my (Ha) port plug in your pocket (Ha Ha Ha)

The sun is guys its bright like fire
You and me get higher and higher
Cut communication wire
Only thing can stop us is flat tire

Ha, Ha, Ha Ha Ha Ha

Hey love crusaider
I want to be your space invader
For you I will decend the deepest moon crater
I is more stronger than Darth Vapour
Obey me I is your new dictator
For you is Venus, I am Mars
With you I is more richer than all the tzars
Make a wishes on a shooting stars
Then for you I will play on my cosmic guitars!

Ladies and Gentlemen
Fasten your beltses
We has commenced our decent
I trust you enjoy this flight
As much as you enjoy this accent

Now back on Earth it’s time for downsplash
Into sea of eternal glory my spaceship crash
People have arrived for cheer me from near and far
And as I float I open door and shout
"I is worlds biggest, wash-up superstar!"

And then watch the video:

5.      Styx - Mr. Roboto

I had to put some legitimate music on this list as well.

I will be the first one to admit that I love this song. I listened to this during my childhood and I think it’s fantastic. But when it comes to music videos, it’s one of the worst I’ve ever seen. I’m sure you’ve seen it before…

Added Bonus:

As I was browsing around, I stumbled across this. It’s not a music video at all, but probably one of the worst bands ever and too funny not to share

Make sure you focus on the lyrics. Some of the silliest shit I’ve heard in my life.

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And that’s me for now… so until next time, BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!