Terrifying Album Covers

One of the many things I’ve always found interesting and intriguing, will have to be the art of Album Covers. And I’m not talking about the normal run-of-the-mill album covers. I mean I’m sure that all of you have received an e-mail at some point of your life containing one or more of the following

Now these covers (along with countless more) are truly funny. With Ken and his mustache made out of everything that is fucking awesome, The Ministers Quartet’s dodgy request and Little David Wilkins’ “King of the Taverns”. That album title was probably cleverly thought up when Little David Wilkins ate the staff members of 12 taverns in Obese Land.

Now yes, these covers are funny, but what happens when you leave a semi-retarded schizophrenic serial killer in with a paintbrush and some crayons? You get pure madness (as I will soon show you).

1.      Cannibal Corpse – The Wretched Spawn.

Now basically, all Cannibal Corpse album covers are pretty horrible, but I’ve decided on the two most disturbing ones. Also, Cannibal Corpse is the only band which has two entries on this list.

What stands out in this cover is the guy in the background with a VERY disappointed look on his face. I don’t know if that is because he is missing out on whatever his two friends are doing or whether he knows he is on this album cover.

2.      Cannibal Corpse – Tomb of the Mutilated

The head/skull thing in the bottom right corner looks extremely worried. Maybe it’s because he knows that after Gollum is finished, it’s his turn.

3.      Danzig – Thrall-demonsweatlive.

Basically Janet Jackson wearing Shao-Kahn’s helmet, or:

 

4. King Diamond – Give me your Soul Please

This one takes a page form the Grudge – Terrifying Ghost Girls coming down the stairs. What makes this one even more nightmare inducing is the fact that she LITERALLY wants your soul… err, no thanks. Maybe later.

5. Cattle Decapitation - Humanure

 

Ok you have got to be kidding me, right?

That cow also looks remarkably calm for a cow that just shat 3 human heads

6. Rotting Christ – Satanas Tedeum

Ok I will admit that this cover isn’t terrifying at all, but it does deserve a mention. Now these assholes are the poster-boys for trying to be controversial but failing miserably. I mean just look at the name of the band. I almost want to say that they are trying way too hard, but that would be inaccurate. Because this designer is to trying as what “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2” is to the world of cinema.

This was probably how the conversation went between the band manager and the dsigner of this ablum:

Band Manager: “Yo Mitch, we’re very controversial and need an album cover to showcase our awesomeness”

Designer: “How about a pentagram…?”

Band Manager: “Hmmm. I like your way of thinking. Tell you what, throw two inverted crosses on there too and if you can mention the Devil somewhere on there that would be great.”

Designer: “Ok that sounds good to me. I just have to ask my Mommy if I can use her computer first”

Douchebags…

7. Moray Eel – Priest Hunter.

Here is another ghostly little girl which will give anyone nightmares.

The real star of this cover however is the guy in the background proclaiming: “ARRGHHH!” Haha!!! “ARRGHHH!”. Really!? Are you taking the piss?! It was almost as if that was added as an afterthought.

Band Manager: “This album cover isn’t terrifying enough”

Designer: “What if I add a speech bubble with a guy screaming “ARRGHHH!”?”

Band Manager: “That’s genius. It’s fucking spine chilling. DO IT!!”

...................

There you go. I hope you enjoyed that. Believe me, there are PLENTY more ridiculous covers out there, but unfortunately I don’t have the time.

Just as an afterthought, I decided to leave you with this:

Imagine waking up to these faces in the middle of the night…

Maybe Later

I was giving what I was going to write about quite a bit of thought. I had a few ideas, but I couldn’t really make my mind up.

That was until Saturday night when I was channel surfing and stumbled across “The Karate Kid Part II”. I have never watched it before as I have never been a huge fan of those movies.

But I continued watching the movie for the sole purpose of finding fault and laughing at Daniel-san’s most unfortunate hairstyle, ridiculously tight jeans and Magnum P.I style shirts.

What I also found hilarious was the fact that the villains had an inexplicable hatred for plants. Seriously, these fuckers had it in for anything which might even resemble something green. First they went to town on a garden with some picks and shovels, later in the movie they kicked the shit out of a few pot-plants and close to the end of the movie some asshole demolishes a vegetable garden with a bulldozer. With this in mind plus the fact that I know the villains in “The Karate Kid Part III” also nearly had multiple orgasms when breaking up Mr Miyagi’s bonsai trees, I thought I had to write about the villains of the Karate Kid franchise.

So, this morning while I was doing some research, I came across an article titled: “The karate kid villains”. So my idea had gone out the window. Even though what they had written and what I had planned to write differed, the premise was the same. I didn’t have enough material so I decided to write about something else. But it could wait for now.

I first had to follow those links in the article. Opening a new window, read that article, follow another link on that page which took me to a new window after which I followed a link on the article etc. etc. etc.

Before I knew it, it was 11:00. I had wasted 4 hours of my morning, all the time knowing full well that I had loads of work and a Friday deadline. By this point I have already ignored my Outlook to-do notifications. “Nah, I’ll just move them to tomorrow, move a few things around on Wednesday, come in an hour earlier on Thursday”. OK so back to the business at hand: Following links, reading up on useless information until.... BAM!!!. It’s 16:00.

Now if you don’t know where I’m going with this, let me tell you. It’s the classic art of Procrastinating. Here is a summarized definition: “Procrastination refers to the act of putting off actions or tasks to a later time. It must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying” Here is a handy Flowchart.

Ah yes! Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

Now I don’t know how many of you have experienced the “Wikipedia Free-fall”. What I mean by that is going on to Wikipedia to search for one topic, then end up wasting hours of time researching pointless subject matters. I’m sure you have all seen those sneaky little links on all the pages. It’s so easy researching for instance “Insomnia” then ending up an hour or two later on the “full list of episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000”.



Ever heard of this?Thought so



I have an extensive knowledge on anything from the History of Estonia to the synopses of pointless movies I will never watch and never even heard of, like:Manos: The Hands of Fate, Glen or Glenda, Plan 9 from Outer Space, etc.I also know Skeletor’s back-story plus the over elaborate rules and history of Quidditch.



Rich Bastard



By the  way, did you know that “Scrooge Mcduck had worked his way up the financial ladder from humble immigrant roots and was born in Glasgow, Scotland? Scrooge is now the richest duck in the world, rivaled only by Flintheart Glomgold and John D. Rockerduck - Wikipedia

Now all that crap I will never use again in my life. It is not like I have ever been asked if I know who Bravestarr’s brother is or what the history of Rogan Josh Curry is. So why would I do it? Why would I waste countless hours on unimportant crap? Some people might say I’m lazy, other people might say this is a psychological condition. Well I disagree.

You see, I do admit sometimes wasting unnecessary time even with deadlines looming, but I have never missed a deadline in my life. So it’s not a problem for me. My work gets done, plus I get to learn about the Origin of the G-spot. Win Win situation...

So I say, LONG LIVE PROCRASTINATION!!!

Just make sure that on the day of that exam or deadline, the definition of procrastination does not read as follows: “Procrastination is like masturbating. It’s all good and well until you realise you just fucked yourself”  

(PS: Noticed how the first half of this article had nothing to do with the topic? YES!)

Contoversy?...Yes Please

It feels like not a very long time ago that I was rushing home from the video shop to finally watch the much hyped “A Nightmare on Elm Street”. This was 1992 which I admit, was 8 years after it was originally released.  But don’t get me wrong, I heard about it. Oh yes I heard about it. I heard terrifying stories from kids much older than me explaining how they could not sleep for weeks (or take a bath for that matter) when they first saw it back in the 80’s. I was forbidden to see it by my parents. The fear was struck into me. But the final nail in the coffin was of course the 2-21 age restriction.

And now I had it!!! I finally had it! I could go home and watch this forbidden, 2-21 controversy-filled-wet dream. And so I watched it. And immediately after watching it, I watched it again. Then in the following years of my life I watched it a few times. And not one of those times did I feel scared, the resistance to go to sleep or to take a bath. It was a good movie which was hyped up so much that by the time I watched it, it was all a bit, well, meh!

Now I don’t want to talk about Mr Craven’s horror masterpiece. No, no I want to talk about a movie which I stumbled upon whilst being in another Wikipedia Free-fall (you know, where you go onto Wikipedia to do a bit of re-search on the symptoms of athletes foot then end up after 2 hours reading about Inspector Gadget’s childhood).

Anyway, this movie I’m talking about is called “A Serbian Film”. It was released one or two months ago on the Film Festival Circuit.

One reviewer stated of this movie: “I would rather sit through “I Spit on Your Grave” 10 times before ever watching this again”.

 Tim Anderson of the horror review site "Bloody Disgusting" likened the movie to "having [his] soul raped" and dissuaded anyone reading his review from ever seeing it, writing: "If what I have written here is enough to turn your feelings of wonder into a burning desire to watch this monstrosity, then perhaps I haven't been clear enough. You don't want to see Serbian Film. You just think you do."

You can read the reviews here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1273235/ 

I have read the Plot Synopsis of this movie on here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Serbian_Film as well as a few other places. And yes, it sounds vile and terribly disturbing. Read the synopsis and make up your own mind.

Now I have sat through the aforementioned “I Spit on Your Grave” and it was hands down the most disturbing film I have ever seen. I have also watched “Cannibal Holocaust” and “Last House on the Left” (the original 1973 version). These 3 movies are rated on many Lists as some of the most controversial movies ever made. None of these movies I would ever want to see again as my idea of entertainment does not involve people getting castrated and impaled.

So to sum up: I found “A Nightmare on Elm Street”, even as a 9 year old, very mundane. As a 17 year old I found “I Spit on Your Grave” and “Cannibal Holocaust” deeply disturbing even today. “Last House on the Left” I saw when I was 20 and again found extremely unsettling.

And that then begs the question: After all the reviews you have read, after watching the trailer, after reading the synopsis, there will still be some people who would want to watch "A Serbian Film”? Why?! Because even though they know that after watching it they will wish they never had, us humans all love controversy just too much. Just like the 2-21 rating of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and even “Basic Instinct”, we love controversy. It’s the forbidden fruit which we hear about so often.