Having been on more or less 40 different flights in my life, I’ve been making observations on airports for quite a while now.

So this past Sunday on my way back from Durbs to Johannesburg, I started thinking of all the different types of people I’ve seen at airports in my life. Sure you get us. You and me. The normal, everyday and even mundane people. But then there is also the opposite side of the coin. People not like you and me, but people like:

1.       The Gesturing Douchebag

Now I know at airports there will always be the chance of overbooked flights, system glitches, bad weather etc. And yes I know these things irritate the living piss out of all of us. But unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world.

But the Gesturing Douchebag is one who likes to show his dismay by the following:

-          Throwing hands in the air like a monkey on heat

-          Shaking of the head with eyes pointed to the upper left/right and the mouth pulled into the unmistakable shape of an asshole.

-          Looking at his/her watch every 4 seconds.

-          Repeat cycle.

The most important characteristic of this subject however is the fact that he/she will not say anything. They will just stand there trying their best to look irritated (and important) as fuck.

2.       The Pretentious Flight Veteran

“I can remember when I flew to Mozambique. I had such a massive hangover.”

“Oh my and don’t even get me started on Virgin Atlantic’s service”

“Of all the airports, the best one I have been to is George… Nice and small. ZERO hassle”

“If I had my way, I would never use Air Transport. I HATE IT!!!”

If you have ever heard those or similar things then you have met the Pretentious Flight Veteran. Now please, before you get too enraged, let me just continue. Everyone who has flown somewhere has a story to tell. Ridiculously long stop-overs, shitty service, mile-high conquests, etc. But the veteran likes to tell their tales as a way of letting you know exactly just how much of a jet-setter they are.

Hands up: Ever been at an airport and all of a sudden, you hear a massive deflating sound just behind you or next to you? You turn around and then you lay eyes upon it. It wasn’t the Hindenburg with a puncture; it is in fact the Air Travel Veteran….

Him: *dejected look on his face. The face of a person whose dog family just committed mass suicide*:“pfffffffffft… same ‘ol shit ‘eh?”

You: “How do you mean?”

Him: “Another Airport. I’m so tired of this shit. SA has a lot to learn from the likes of Hong Kong. Talk about efficiency. WOW”.

You: “Ya tell me about it. I remember when I travelled to Spain from Glasgow. Quick and easy check-in.”

Him: “Exactly. But then I must say that my last flight to Cape Town wasn’t that bad. Don’t you just hate the flight time to Cape Town by the way? It’s too short to feel long, but too long to feel short….”

You: “That’s why I prefer to travel BA to Cape Town. At Least then you get free drinks. Plus the service is fantastic”

And that is how it carries on. The point I’m trying to make is that all of us fall under the Veteran category. When someone else (even if it is someone you know) talks about flight experiences and destinations, you will always counter immediately with one of your own experiences. You will never ask the other person to elaborate on their story. And this works both ways. As soon as you countered with your experience, the other person will then immediately reply with another flight experience. You can also be sure that you would have heard a friend’s travelling stories more than once. And I’m as guilty as sin here. I think I’ve told my return from London story when I was as sick as a dog about 100000 times.

If you don’t believe you fall under the above, please ask yourself the following:

-          On you last 5 flights, did you insist on an aisle seat?

-          When the plane takes its run-up and during departure, do you try and look as disinterested as possible? (e.g. pretending to want to sleep, paging through a magazine, etc.)

  

Now if you answered yes to any of these, then welcome to the club of Pretentious Flight Veterans. In fact, when was the last time you listened to Safety Instructions? I will be very honest here. In my effort of acting like “I’ve done this a million times”, I can’t even remember what the safety instructions on a plane are anymore. If a plane goes down, I’m pretty much fucked. C’mon, you know what I’m talking about. We all do it.

You of course get the person who will shake his head and start to laugh whilst proclaiming: “I’ve heard these instructions a million times before. Haha”

3.       Wise-cracking Flight Attendants

Thanks for flying Kulula

You know them. They sound like SABC news reporters when they speak.

“Please not, this is a non-smoking flight. Anyone caught smoking, will be asked to leave the aircraft immediately”

“When you finished screaming, place the oxygen mask over your face” (well what do you know, I did pick up on some safety instructions after all)

“We would like to thank you for letting us take you for a ride”

I can honestly say, I don’t find these funny at all. I don’t even have a wee chuckle to myself. No friends, this is weak fucking comedy I’m afraid.

4.       People Clapping when the plane has landed

Clapping? Really? How did you see this flight ending? When you had an operation, do you applaud the Surgeon? When you get to the shop safely do you sodomize your car?

I think you get the idea…

5.       The Chatter-box

Listen, when I put on my ipod’s headphones, it PROBALY means I do not want to speak to you. EVER.

6.       The Sunglass wearing Twat

Ok I will admit. You find these retards everywhere, but I don’t want to devote a whole article on them.

To people wearing sunglasses in-doors: You are the scabs on the rotting foot of all humanity. Every Time I see you, an uncontrollable urge to vomit possesses me. This ungodly hatred is something I only felt when the Vodacom animated meerkat ads were still on TV. We all hate you. You look ridiculous.

So unless your name is Stevie Wonder or Cyclops, give it a rest.